A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
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The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
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Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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