so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
