So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
