I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
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Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
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What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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