I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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