I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
