Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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