Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
