I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
