Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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