the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
A bitchslap is in order.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
