I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
