i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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