there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
