You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He better not be in your backpack
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
