i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
