If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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