you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
