Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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