he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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