I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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