hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
