there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
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If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
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He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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