I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
