I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
