the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
