Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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