I didn't shave. On purpose
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
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I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
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I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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