threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
