I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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