Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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