you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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