Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
