The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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