p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
