Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
