Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
