My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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