Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
