The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
