He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
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He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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