Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
