1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
