I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize