Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
