this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
