He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's official drugs can't kill me
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
