My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
