So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
