You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
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Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
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I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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