Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
