tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
