Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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