I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Where are you guys?
Drunk
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
