Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
