the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
