I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
