I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
